[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
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If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
How I’d get arrested…
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green