she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
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my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Genius idea!!
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me