Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
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I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Nomnomnomnom
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Clients after you give them your rates
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.