what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
You Might Also Like
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Lmaoo 😂
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Meme Monday.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat