Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
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[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden