The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
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Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
how to market bottled water to dads
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.