Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
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Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Air conditioning – not a fan
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
every. time.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*