peeping toms
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My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
When I can’t barge, I careen.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.