Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
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Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
blocked.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
new year update: losing everything but weight
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]