I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
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Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Cardio Made Easy
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here