[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
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Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.