-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Beware of fowl play.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.