Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
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Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese