If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
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I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Swedish for common sense.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
When you’ve simply given up.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)