i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
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I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Pass gas, not judgment.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES