[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
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I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”