date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
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Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
is this a warning or an offer?
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.