I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
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If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Stop being racist to kettles.