According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
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If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
taking June’s advice to heart
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Seals are just dog mermaids.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
それは草
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.