If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
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[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”