Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
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I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Children of the corn 🌽
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo