[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
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captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”