I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
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Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Software Development ⛵️
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree