Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
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I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*