TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
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Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.