Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
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I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Breaking news:
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
The game has officially changed 😎
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
*aggressively waits in line*