I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
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Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I think the cat got the dog high.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
😎 🍻
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.