Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
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TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Girl, same.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.