I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
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(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.