Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
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Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.