Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
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Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Ah..makes sense now
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.