Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
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[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy