Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
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I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?