tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
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*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
wish me luck lads
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now