My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
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It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany