instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
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Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
How it started: How it’s going:
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Solving a traffic jam
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Stick it to the man
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”