Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
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boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”