Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
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“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.