Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
You Might Also Like
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Midwest trash talk
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.