Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
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Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.