Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
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I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
6: are snakes just neck?
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.