“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
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If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.