Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
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bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only