Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
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🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
*jingles half the way*
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
🤣🤣