Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
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My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.