“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
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my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
“HELP WITH CAT”
When I can’t barge, I careen.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.