There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
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My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
are there any atheist mantises?
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.