I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
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I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.