I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
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All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Has there ever been a more American story?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n