Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
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my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh